@Diaperogative's timeline on Twitter
Tweets
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If you have a stress free idyllic life please share the name of your meds.
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Trying to remember, struggling to forget. A fight to the finish.
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You know when the world went all screwy? When there was no longer a reasonable expectation that there'd be a cream filling in a cupcake.
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The humour in a tweet is inversely commensurate with how long it took to jesus fuck this tweet is boring
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Is Fubu considered business casual?
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There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend. - Jean Jacques Rousseau ♥
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Candy nipple rings. Make that happen somebody...
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Alright, well, you guys keep working on covertly trying to destroy each other's will to live, one Tweet at a time.
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You don't need anyone to love you. You need to love you. Then peeps be falling over themselves to love you. It's like magic n shit Xxx
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explain to me how explaining ever explained anything
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i'm the kind of woman who would only punch a unicorn in a life/death type of scenario.
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There is a painting of me in my attic that is slowly getting less cool.
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"The world stands aside to let anyone pass who knows where he is going." – David Starr Jordan ♥
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There's only one real secret to Twitter, and that is TWEET. Tweet your stupid fucking heart out, the rest sorts itself.
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Going to have regression therapy tomorrow to see if I was EVER scared of those low budget flicks that used closeups of lizards as dinosaurs.
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Guys. I got the shit to make friendship bracelets. You in?
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You know that thing where you’re anxious and frustrated and people won’t stop trying to be helpful? That shit doesn’t help.
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You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him ~Leo Aikman, ♌♥
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The pastors wife just used the word taint in her sermon and I haven't heard a single word since :/
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What's simultaneously so inexpressibly sad and yet also so wonderful is this: life goes on.
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Twitter is my treehouse.
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Tweet as if 99% of your followers don't read your tweets, because it's true.
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"I have always depended on the kindness of strangers." -- Debbie Does Dallas
#RightQuoteWroteMovie -
Whenever someone here says Twitter isn't "real", we consider the couples, and friendships, forged here; and realize someone is truly lonely.
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It's just my eyes, nose, phone & fingers sticking out from the covers. So awesome. I'm cozy. You can't see me. It's like we're not here.
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Mr. and Mrs. Explorer, we’re from social services. We are here to talk to you about Dora.
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What the fuck, over
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what if you were furry and you were the united states of america
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"The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity." – Amelia Earhart ♥
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Odds are you follow some people who have reached 'Rock Bottom' in real life. They don't need any more BS from you here. Try to be kind. Thx
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Attention Boys: Girls really like when you write them poetry. Seriously. And laughing, we like that too.
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A Twitter Summary: Don't be a liar/catfish, nobody likes that; don't be yourself, it leads to people caring; Favstar = bad. Fun site, guys.
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Doc: You've Angina Tonsillitis. Me: You recommend treatment with PENIS..*winks* *coughs* *snorts* ..illin? Doc: ... I CHOOSE to be single!
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....but what if I don't want to be Batman?
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My tweets really speak to me.
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People only have the power you give them (*fires lightning from fingertips into toaster strudel) Except Wizards. We'll fuck your shit up.
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when i tweet i wear a helmet.
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Museum’s painting of The Birth of Venus is a forgery. Has J-Lo’s butt & an oil pan playing a dipstick flute. Gotta be a Robotticelli.
#tbot -
I was pointing out something stupid. And, it bit me.
#ftwot -
I love anarchy, but fuck this. My teeth are singing: “1, 2, 3.. What are we biting for?” And they refuse to chew my burger for me.
#tbot -
Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies. ~Ann Landers ♥
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When I asked what you were doing tonight, I sort of meant besides ignoring my texts.
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are you happy to see me or is that restless leg syndrome?
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The only thing that impresses me anymore is kindness.
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26 hrs until takeoff.... Of your pants.
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Defend you? Pfft. Not if it'll cost me my Favstar status.
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My toddler is behind me, undoing everything I do.
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In twitterverse profanities curse but poetry's worse. The mongrel doggeral's worth less than bugger all but go ahead it's your funeral.
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You guys better get all those autocorrect tweets out of your system before it's replaced by something more insidiously "helpful."
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"I guess I got way too baked," the Captain said. "Was thinking, Puff, Puff, Push." And, that's how Ms. Palin ended up in the lake.
#ftwot -
Was shocked to learn that what I had thought were tears from heaven was actually slobber.
#tbot -
What are you, new?
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From Master's hand, I snatched pebble. Was a buncha boogers all balled up. He said it was time for me to leave now. I'm not ready.
#tbot -
I’m one expensive stage prop away from being chandelirious.
#tbot -
Go to the old school. Turn left. Keep going left 'til you see the ghost of Joe C. on my little Zamboni & hear Siri rap in the NasCar.
#tbot -
"A fanatic is one who can't change their mind & won't change the subject." ~ Winston S. Churchill ♥
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Andrew 'Dice' Clay's resume for job at pillow factory: "You know Mother Goose?" "I plucked her."
#tbot -
I play guitar, get a stupid ass thought, stop, & tweet it. I'm having my own personal episode of Hee Haw.
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All together and by the numbers. 1-click on a tweet. 2-click on Favorite. 3-click on Retweet, click Retweet. Very good. Now again 1-click...
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I almost certainly fuck things up & get it wrong. Often. Always(?) But my stupid heart's in the right fucking place.
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The only explanation I can give about what's happening in my life is that my planets fuck each other.
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No, love. Twitter and its words are real. You just have to have a heart to be able to tune in.
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I just spent a half hour trying to make a joke about Baskin Robins and Batman & Robin and my life is never going to be whole.
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"Failure is the road to success." Well I know I'm on the right road.
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iPads for dogs. It would be very interesting to see what's in their bowser history. And if they begin to take longer to do their business.
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Current status...Being outsmarted by a window shade
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I just turned up the music, so everything's gonna be all right.
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Thinking Namaste means... Congrats on sweating for 90 minutes @ 105 degrees and burning a whopping 120 calories. Go enjoy a burger.
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A kind tweet is never a wasted tweet.
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Cantaloupe has been on my counter for 2 weeks. Please refer to your follower agreement & cut it up for me.
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No amount of flowers and cards can make up for ruining Mommy's body, kids. But thanks for trying.
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The limit of 140 characters is a cheap excuse. You know... like the proverb : The wry dick blames pussy’s hair when he can’t find the “way”
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I'm the guy who will retweet you when no one else will.
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When nothing goes right.... ....don't go left. Stay where you are,until someone give you a ride.
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Missed connection You were the button right on my boobs, I put you through the hole but alas we parted ways....right in front of everyone
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Chuck Norris doesn't mess with Tom Hanks.
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Well here I am, where are you?
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I go in bars in a suit & tie, drink all night & write tweets down in a notebook. They're not quite sure if I'm the district manager or not.
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I could make a ton of money re-potty training people in this building.
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I just made that up. You can stop counting your tweets, Pamela
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That's your 26,312th tweet about not getting any - DUH
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If given the choice, opt for the fog machine.
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The Grateful Under-the-weather
#nicebands The Kennedys Who Have Good Days And Bad Days -
Until your "low fuel" light dies from exhaustion, don't talk to me about living on the edge.
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Twitter - teaching folks how to get to the fucking point since 2006.
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I’m here to say that Twitter doesn’t cause problems. It just puts a spotlight on them.
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Ok, I've been very patient with you. Get going with those stars and RTs...for god's sake, they're free! ~ me to my brother on twitter
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Just starred my own tweet. Rookie mistake. Twitter coach made a substitute....and I'm back on the bench. ~twitter circle of life
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Soccer game today. Wearing navy uniforms and laughing every time ref calls "blue ball".... cause...immature.
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Yes, Irony, we see you. A library that memorializes a president who was practically illiterate. Hahaha! Good one!!
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Reducing Flight Delays Act of 2013... Right. Because rich, powerful men stuck in airports are more important than Head Start, Medicare, ...
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I’ve made empty of mistakes. I’ll make plenty more. I love Herman Hesse for letting me know that that’s okay.
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Just misread "hobbies" as "boobies". Who says Twitter has no influence?
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I would leave Twitter but I have nowhere go.
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Sports tweet: If you listen closely, you can hear Kobe mashing his iPhone keyboard to tweet more dumb shit about his team.
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Which one of the following terms doesn't belong: A.) merry B.) jubilant C.) joyous D.) me E.) gleeful.
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ME. I think he has mental health issues. I'm getting all the signs he's Borderline. GUY AT PARTY. Sorry, are we talking about a turtle?
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i learned quickly that you say ok when someone asks how you are and not numb
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HOTDOG VENDOR. You want the sausage cooked well done? ME. I told you I don't like to give advice in these situations.
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The Director of Development at our school wants us to post a link to our fundraiser on our social networking accounts. Yah, no.
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I love the smell of stagnant hobo sex and hot garbage in the morning.
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Also, Kristen Stewart's facial expressions seem to range from "I smell poop," to "Do I smell poop?" to "Smelling poop makes me sad."
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Acronyms are cool! I told my boss I was WFH this afternoon. I neglected to mention the W stood for "Watching Space Balls."
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Its been weeks since I've eaten a donut in anger.
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Now ends the angry bitching portion of the morning. Lets talk about you. How are you doing? Did that rash clear up?
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Holy fuck I get married in 40 minutes...
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If we keep tweeting everybody will understand everybody and world peace will break out. I bet I get a few awful comments on that one. Pricks
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Lacuna Beach. Thank you, thank you very much. *curtsies*
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I've been a miner for a heart of gold once. Then I got mesohornythelioma. So sing about that, Neil.
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I was surprised when I got home from work & both dogs had somehow obtained birth certificates showing they were both born in Hawaii in 1961.
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That time I bragged to everyone about not wearing panties to your grandpops funeral-not quite my lowest point.
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Missed it, don't want to know, don't care, not any of my business....*sweeps up debris* ....moves on
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In my other world I totally understand what you just said.
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Life got easier when I figured out, in the grand scheme of things, there is no grand scheme of things.
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Clerk: Can I help you? Me: My fruit medley won't sing Clerk: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, I bet you tweeted that huh Me:.....
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Well, hell. Everyone else has a twitter crush. I need one ,TOO! I can't decide. Also, picky. Verrry, picky. Tosses head* YES! Even here. Xo
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A guy just said "You can't win'em all" so I beat him. There's a lesson in that somewhere.
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I'm sure my tweets get flushed down the Twitter shit pot. Well fuck you Twitter! I'm gonna tweet so much shit y'll have to get a plummer out
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It's unfair that in near future hasn't invented the time travel & my future self can't send me help.~Random thoughts in front of ATM machine
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If I've learned anything in life, its absolutely nothing at all.
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Just because they weren't the one doesn't mean the next one won't be. You gotta believe else we's all just poopyheads. So fucking believe.
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Just made a mountain out of a mole hill and the villagers are bowing at my feet and showering me with gifts. Wrong again, grandma.
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Well. I can finally take “karate kick a sassy nursing home magician” off my bucket list.
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Pretty impressive that even with that awkward-ass hairdo, lions were able to become kings of the jungle.
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No more Bon Jovi tweets or i will block you.
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Hey ladies who didn't know they were pregnant: this is a sign that ground beef doesn't go in a salad.
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Donated old clothes to Goodwill. Saw some Zimbabwe tribesman on TV hunting wild boar and wearing my old Fonzie t-shirt, "Ungawah...Ayyyyyy!"
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I have fallen in love with a fictional character in a book. There I said it.
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Kings always have rubbish countries.
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she twiddled her thumbs she cavorted with bums she thought thoughts undone she talked to shadow beings in tongues waiting on things to come
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My attitude is based on the way you treat me. ~ Unknown
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'Weird Twitter' implies that there is a part of Twitter that isn't weird.
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I only rolled my eyes to about half of the people at work today. Being nice is hard.
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About ready to give up Facebook & embrace twitter full time. Wish me luck you guys.
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Thanks for all the stars, NOBODY.
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Just subtweeting myself again. Sigh.
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I think my 15 min. lecture on the economic basis for the Civil War deflected attention from me tearing up when Lincoln died. Oops - spoiler.
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I'm trying, to not be angry all the time cuz I'm saving hate for the days that my age will make me look like Chuck Norris without botox.
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According to ancient texts you're a fucking idiot.
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You are always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past. - Richard Bach ♥
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Is that a cupcake in your pocket, or are you going to have to go back out and get me one?
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My sister just told her kids it's time for bed cause the tv is tired
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At this point I would consider my purpose in life as being a member of a metal band.
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I just ate 9 devilled eggs at work. Come pull my finger.
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They should have a dog pound for men. I could go pick one out and take him home. If it didn't work out, I could drop him off in the country.
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Where are the clowns? SEND IN THE CLOWNS no no wait, get them the fuck out - just send in one clown that would be fine.
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The most loving thing you can do for a person is to believe in the way that they are figuring life out for themself.
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Love your many pics of different types of cheesy puffs. The ones in your nostrils were particularly hot!
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"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." – William James ♥
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“Everything you can imagine is real.” ― Pablo Picasso ♥
Little Bobby
Susan W
Theodora Chester
Evil Schwartzie
indie claws
Brent Smith
LoveScopes
WhatserName
Just Call Me Frank™©
Tink
Hushpuppy 5¢
sweet p
Travis LeBlanc
Rainbow Brite
Lolly Sassafras
Indian Bread Maker
Willowbottom
Gone
Tanya Johnston
Dusty Hume
ColoChiver
Stu, For Real
Don Pearyawn
It's Leah
Saga
Mytwoscentz
The Dork
snicky
Vanilla
BlackWidow
Suggestible Dave
O'Tits-o P.d.Q.
Eric Komans
Jesus Jaramillo
Vandal
System Failure
ShoutingGoddess
Scott Taylor
Nuclear Bavarian
Dawn
gordon
Not A PluckedChicken
feistycat
PAT_E_ROCK
L. David Sloane
@Nimrod_Nation
Nickels
stockholm syndrome
Devon McRee
Uncle JP the Janitor
Dolores
freckle face
Crystal
Tortured_soul
Commandant Grayza
Girrl Genius
Richard Harris
Nik
Lucy
Lilly
A Winning Bet
twonky cat stevie
Parentpains
Blakey Pants
Traylor Parker
SpaceSquirrel
Fred Pollack
VirgoSherry
Unstatusfactory
Anonymous Vagabond
jennco
♡ SWEET and BITCHY ♡
Debbie Harry Cooter
Vamarrah
Angelia
©Cerebral Assassin
TheDollyLama
Clipper
Labels: #ftwot, #gaf, #gsoav, #jsntf, #tbot, tweets, twitter
posted by Taranonymous Reads Not the Book of Tweet @ 3:46 PM
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